ew

when a load of 40 year old mums think they're "milfs", the gag reflex kicks in.
your old and saggy please stop.

payrise

beautiful pay-rise today well haps.
sams applied to uni shit my balls up.
so so so scary.

mayella xxx

god.

Im really really hoping after skimming through my blog that no-one i know has been reading this or knows its me because ... i sound like such a pleb.

lol

people who do snapchat selfie's should just stop no-one cares.

success at last

This week has started off much more positive then last week. To start I had my first hairspray rehearsals  in which we did an hour of singing, today i had another rehearsal and did singing and dancing literally cant believe its all already started. Then although yesterday we got given our predicted grades and I got A* B B which was kind of a let down i went to chase up Miss Ford today and being the lovely women i know she is she told me they've already raised my predicted grade to an A i am ecstatic!! So with..... A* A B i'm thinking work my literal arse off and royal holloway here i come.

Was talking to mum about the room i want ... its in one of the towers on the Hogwart's building and is an alcove of dreams so so so so so excited please lord let them offer me a place. YAYYAYYAY! I can do it!

Mayella xxx

heres an idea...

I am now a Checkerboard Chick!!

I got penny in hairspray! Im so excited rehearsals start on monday! YAYAYAY!

turtles

They always make me feel better. 

fuck it

Hate to admit that i am writing this post whilst streaming with tears. Today has been so shit, another day of gormless wasting time and realising how stupid i actually am. Just because i prefer the subjects i do, doesn't mean i should actually do them. This is a lesson learnt today through complete honesty to myself. Would explain everything but i'm so bloody upset my head hurts from the crying and i cannot be arsed.

Sorry if i just ruined anyones day.

Mayella xxxxx

oh dear

just realised everyone must think i cry a hella lot. I dont normally  i promise. I dont play the victim, im just emotionally sensitive.

Auditioning

So today i auditioned. Oh my lord, well if anything became clear to me, it was i cannot sing higher than a low G and i cannot dance to save my life. So link was my original character option and once vocally exploiting myself like a complete joke and dancing with two left feet (literally spinning around the wrong way), i somehow managed to get called back to read lines. As i went to read the lines of link my chosen character, a miracle occurred i got ask to read out penny instead! WAHAHHAHAYYYYYYYY. Although this means absolutely nothing in concerns of gaining the roll, i was chuffed that my general personality allowed me to get to read off such a beautiful part. However i will admit when i don't get the part i will be rather disappointed and feel pooey.

Then when i got home another load of unexpected drama occurred, between me and Sam. This was regarding a feminist topic as today i became apart of the feminist society and whilst telling him so, i raised a subject of great debate.

My point to be made goes as followed, It is not fair that women have labels and derogatory terms used to exploit them sexually. These terms are such of a 'slut' 'slag' 'whore' 'hobag' 'skank' 'slapper' 'dirty' 'sket'.... the list goes on and well sam was trying to suggest there are male terms that are equal to the above. He suggested words such as 'tosser', 'wanker' and 'scumbag'. Please feminist of the world hear my cry, they do not by any means have the exact same definition and for one to claim so is stupid and illogical. Therefore a fight commenced which carried on till he left. Then turned into another fight which i am to tired to explain and then well i cried because i realised soon were going to uni.

yours sincerely

mayellla xx

Cried

I forgot to say I cried this morning coz I miss beck. I need to talk to her.

i'm so lucky.

radio times

So when listening to the radio today loads of old songs from last year came on and songs that i'm not even that fond of reminded me of a time last year and for some reason made me so happy. Having music attached to memories is great. I was thinking the other day about how days literally fleet away and if someone asked me what happened to me on thursday two weeks ago i'd probably have no clue. Thats why i'm happy to be writing this blog regularly - kinda.

Hoping this winter will be as good as my last two. i love winter. i love jumpers, hot chocolate, wooly tights, toasted crumpets, scarfs that wrap round your neck a billion times, blankets that you hibernate in,  boots, movies, the smell of roasted nuts, marshmallows, fires and everything else. I get summer too this year which will be strange but Mauritius looks amazing.

yaaay

Mayella xx

stupidness

Sam's just left and stupid as it sounds i almost cried, i feel as though time is slipping away so quickly and i cant do a thing about it. I hate this feeling of emptiness i get when i'm not seeing him, its stupid and clingy but i can't help it ... i feel as though when i see him all i can do is think about how long it'll be till i see him next. This is of course utterly ridiculous considering its never more than 5 days, i should really be happy i have the time apart to focus on other really important things. 

I watched a speech today said by J.K.Rowling to Harvard graduates and I cried at the honesty of her words. She inspired me to become what i want to be, but to realise the challenges that come with it. One of the main challenges being failure, in the speech she explained how although failure is not pleasant and nor should it be made out to be so, it is a part of life. She also explained how having an Imagination is one of the most important things in life because without one, there would be no dreams nor aspirations and no-one to succeed, without imagination the world would be dull and unfriendly. 

I am extremely fond of the way in which Rowling presented her speech a sit was with such honesty and grace. I hope some day i too can perform such an inspirational speech. 

Also realised how vain i have become today, hope to change.

Mayella xx

oops

Just realise how awful Arron Johnson has been looking recently, he looks like a goat with a goatee... yet i still would ravish him. What is this mind play?

Caress me now. 

growth in mind...

So today I signed up for hairspray. BOOM. Didn't think I would, but I have. Its now a means of actually attending the audition. I feel slightly more confident towards the whole concept after i found out my drama teacher is casting, as this hopefully means she'll see my desperateness in wanting to get a part and actually give me one...

Then I had a bit of a knock because i found out my predicted grade for english is a B and well I feel as though its not fair at all, i was only a few marks off an A in my last exam and now i've dropped a subject my focus will be more on english and well, at the end of the day i thought bloody Mrs Daly and Miss Ford actually believed in me and thought I had the potential to get an A :( I probably shouldn't of got so effected by it, but i guess i just felt hopeless. Because its basically saying my teachers don't believe in me  and well if they don't... with the knowledge of their own teaching and my ability, the whole world just seems hopeless because well no-one believes in themselves and thats just shit. So after my mini breakdown I persisted on being the bigger person and actually addressed the situation, by emailing Ford to prove i have a "growth mind set" ( a psychological theory about self expectations that she had done an assembly on yesterday, think Carol Dweck) and well basically asked for my grade to be raised. As of yet i have no reply which isn't too fun, especially considering i'm seeing her tomorrow. Poo.

Keep on getting really upset about nothing, have the constant urge to cry and I don't know why which makes it even worse. (i'm saying this regardless of above) Think its hormones but i don't know.

I also really fancy having sex with Arron Johnson right now. That would be nice.

Mayella xxx

slowly but surely failing my blog...

Didn't post yesterday, its the sign of a slow descent...
But for now i am rising up, the last couple of days have been busy with school work. I've completed my project for drama which was based on the Women of Ancient Greece and had my eyes opened to the start of a submissive/ patriarchal society. Made me slightly sad because women were sculpted into mens slaves and it was quite literally the most degrading and disgusting time in history. It did however make me appreciate the likes of the suffragettes in particular Emily Davison. Also many other inspirational women like Rosa Parcs, Rosie the Riverter and Virginia woolf so on... It made me realise how strong we have developed as a sex and how this need to continue.

I believe feminism is the way forward, because although many people assume women are treated equally because we can get jobs, vote and do nearly as much as men, our personal rights are actually rather tainted. This is in the sense that we get called "sluts" for sleeping with men. Whereas men get called "Lads". This needs to change. Hopefully soon.

Anyway am off to start my new job tonight ,  which is rather scary but exciting, will post tomorrow

Much love

Mayella xxx

first day back...

Wasn't actually too shabby to be fair, although I only had 2 lessons I seemed to get things done. I got up at a really good time and left on time. Im feeling really enthusiastic to begin the year properly. I met my new drama teacher today and she isn't exactly what i expected ... as in she's not a nutty old women who quotes Shakespeare and has those teeny glasses at the end of her nose, one of those ecstatic extravagant old thin ladies, who you want to read you a book and make you wise. She's more of a "i'm old but looking satisfyingly young" type. She seems intelligent and has a definite structure in her thinking as-well as being rather down to earth, realistic and I rather like her to be fair but there was a slight twinge of disappointment.

Today I began thinking about auditions for school plays... Its rather awful that I'm one of the oldest girls in school and I do a-level drama, yet I feel nervous as shit to audition. I do believe this is partially as its just embarrassing if i don't get a part... its like well crap. Thats why considering my school play is an all dancing all singing musical, I'd better stick to The Wilson's school play which is called 42nd st I have no clue what its all about but it doesn't sound as fun as hairspray :(

Oh i don't know... perhaps i should just stop caring about what other people think and audition for both, its my last year what have i got to loose ( apart from all pride and dignity i've ever had)

help me please

Mayella xxx

let me be you kaya please.

Changing

Last night, after my world class strop, turned out to be bloody brilliant. The strop, due to Sam and I's lack of communication, was because my mum found out i lied and said the famous "gonna have to rebuild the trust now gab". How i hate that line. Mainly because rebuilding will take about another 5 years and i feel as though i only just gained it.

Anyhoo we ended up arriving to the party unfashionably late... at literally 10 o'clock and the party finished at half 12. My bad really. But it made us jump straight into it, maybe slightly inappropriately as we couldn't keep our hands off each-other but for some reason i loved it. I felt like me and Sam could finally just be with each-other and not have to care what any one else thought. That may be due to the fact none of my girls were there and i hate to admit this because its not down to them, more my misconstrued ideas on what they'll think... Nonetheless it was fun and although the walk home from the party to my house was so long after peeing down an ally and stripping off for the freedom, it turned out to be a great  night.

Today has been boring and made me realise how tomorrow I'm changing my diet and my attitude because it seems necessary and i want too. I just really hope i stick with it.

Good luck me

Mayella xx

Love ....

This playsuit please. Need it for my next 18th. £50 though. Why Topshop? why?

games night.

So last night I slept round Sam's because his parents are in Vegas. Considering recent events it was well nice. We played games, that involved lining up toy soldiers and seeing who could knock down the others first... says alot about our maturity and the lack of social life we both have.

After we wanted to watch a film so Sam decided on horror and we took about an hour choosing one. This was mainly due to my passionate hate for 'evil spirit' horror films, its like how many bloody haunted houses possessed by spirits, forces, ghost etc... can be produced in the world. Plus they are all shit. So we finally decided on The nightmare on Elm st. Which brung me to the realisation of my hate for watching scary movies. Firstly I'm in a constant state of anxiety waiting for something to jump out which is already obvious it will. Secondly the actual story lines are either the same as every other or boring as poo. Finally i barely get to watch the things because i'm so scared and uncomfortable I do the whole cover the ears whilst edging slowly under the duvet to cover my eyes routine.

I do rather wish we'd watched life of Pi instead but it was for sam to feel extra macho (which didn't actually work for him as he was a scared as me)

Off out to my first 18th tonight doesn't feel proper as i'm just sam's plus one (awkward) so better start getting ready soon... heres to a good night

Mayella xx

Stationary is overpriced...

So today I spent outrageous amounts of money on pretty stationary... and soon after realised it was pointless as it all does the same thing (and often turns out the pretty stuff doesn't work well...) But its all for a good cause as it means it i can start the school in a pretty mind set - one of which i'm sure will fade half way through the term. Hopefully not ... aha.

Tomorrow i have my dreaded personal statement meeting... In which my form tutor will get the chance to formally abuse me for being a self obsessed illiterate prick. Ive gone 800 characters over the given amount, so editing it should be long. Im  honestly just hoping i've got the brittle bones of it, meaning i don't have to scrap the entire thing and start again.

Wish me luck

Mayella xx

   Just wanted to quickly say I hope dragonflies really do have a good day alive, they deserve it.

hmmm...

Today started off as unproductive as yesterday and the same as yesterday i felt crap about it. By 2 o'clock I was marching down the road to travel to croydon for a meeting that was at bloody 4.30... talk about eager... Whilst in croydon I mooched around browsed tried on clothes that I knew I was not going to buy, however I liked having the option there to do so.

Finally the time came and I met Catherine, she is very sweet and very small and has a really quirky taste in clothes :) We talked through what we needed to and i found myself looking her in the eyes way too much, luckily the sun came out and blinded me so i ended up squinting which for some reason i preferred.

After i met the girls for wagamamas (no fault there) and then went to the cinema to watch "About Time" which i really enjoyed. It was one of those classic love stories which makes you go to yourself, "tomorrow i'm a brand new person i'm gonna loose weight i'm gonna buckle down... (etc...)" however the next day you wake up and you've already forgotten what the film was you've seen the night before. 

That being said I cherished the morals... it basically was saying that although mistakes are made and they can seem awful at the time and that in that moment you just wish you could turn back time and redo it, you shouldn't because by resolving the mistakes that you made in the first place you'll become wiser and make less mistakes in the future. It also put value on time being of the essence, and that spending ones time having bad days is down to ones attitude on the day. Its up to that person to change that day for themselves. I really appreciated that message due to its honesty, no-one will know that one day they wake up and its the last day of their life so may as-well live every day like it is. 

Its all very rich me preaching all this whilst i can't say i've ever done so, so modestly and i usually am in a constant state of anxiety , dread and fear. 

But theres a time for everything, starting tomorrow lets see how it goes.

night night

Mayellla xx

So today turned out to be rather lovely....

 
Making a cake round my nan's which was nice, its strange that i didn't see her for around 3 years and now its as if we have had a good relationship going. I feel slightly odd about it purely due to my mum being so distant from her and considering she's her real mother it all just seems a little wrong. But i asked mum if she was fine with it and she said she was happy for it to happen, so i guess ill take her word. However i do just wish their relationship could just reform perfectly into something like me and my mum have, because i know secretly thats all she's ever wanted. I hope that when nan came over she acted real motherly because it would've meant a-lot to my mum.

Also going round trish and steve's made me realise how I distant my self from my own family and I dont know why I do it. I hate the fact that my baby cousin barely knows who I am and almost backs away when I go to hug her, I just want that relationship to form. Also being with trish and steve they are such interesting people but I never give them the time of day perhaps due to the one time I heard them slagging off my parents. Still i guess everyone deserves a second chance...

I thinks its best i sleep on this all and hopefully by the morning gain a better perspective,

love hugs and kisses,

mayella xxx

introducing myself a little ...

Starting a blog to initiate the start of myself as a slightly different version of myself ...

I know once starting this I will end up posting every year once a similar thing moaning about how i'm going to change, truth be told i probably will come around being exactly the same person as before. Hopefully it can act as a way for me to explode every feeling and thought i have running through my head. Whether this is a good thing or not well ill let anyone who has chosen to read this to decide on that... heres for starting an aimless blog with a means for moaning, exploring and talking to myself.

lots of love and a good day to you,

Mayella xx